idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
