No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
