so that wasnt chicken after all
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
