He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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