so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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