i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
