I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
