i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
