If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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