My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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