I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
