I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
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He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
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Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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