Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
