Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
