You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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