The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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