you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
