My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.