Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober