He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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