I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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