So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
