Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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