I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
