You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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