I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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