Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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