I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
