I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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