My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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