Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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