haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
