Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
