Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
