im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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