I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
