I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
