i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
