I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
