Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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