What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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