You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.