I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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