Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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