New low: just hacked my moms facebook
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
