We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
