The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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