Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
