so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
