my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
