Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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