people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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