The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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