a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
