All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
