Quick, to the slutcave!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
