My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
